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I came to know Jesus when I was 19 years old. I had moved to Fresno to attend college, and even though I would have told you I knew Jesus as my Savior from the time I was a little girl, it wasn’t until I was 19, sitting in college group at Northwest Church on a Sunday night, that I understood it was about a relationship and life change.
Soon after, I met the man who would become my husband. We got married when we were 24. I had my first child at 26 and my second at 28. By the time I was 29, life honestly looked way different than I thought it was going to. I had not grown up in a home that echoed Christian values through the halls. I had baggage – a lot of it. And, while marriage had not necessarily aired my dirty laundry, two small children and all of their needs certainly had. I was desperate. I didn’t know what to do, or how to become the person I thought I needed to be.
But God intervened through Facebook, of all places. In the summer of 2013 I had joined a book club with other women of The Well. That fall they decided to do a Jennie Allen study. I hadn’t done a women’s study in years. My husband and I had led Life Groups for couples, but seeing that post stirred something in me. I purchased the study on a whim and attended the first week. It felt like the weight of the world was on my shoulders as I walked in. What would I tell these women? Would I tell them I was frustrated and hurt? Could I say out loud that I was failing on all fronts? I had been a part of ministry at The Well for a long time, and to admit defeat would mean that I wasn’t good enough, that I didn’t belong.
I ended up with a group of women who, for the most part, I didn’t know. By week two I wasn’t holding it together very well. I know two weeks in might seem like a short period of time to completely confess the inner workings of your heart, but let’s just say I tend to be a little emotional. I remember very clearly sitting in a group of women I hardly knew and UGLY crying. Have you ever ugly cried in front of a group of people you didn’t know? It is about as glamorous as it sounds. Those sweet souls were so gracious and encouraging. It was there I admitted I couldn’t do it. I couldn’t make my husband happy. I couldn’t help but get frustrated with my kids. I said out loud that it didn’t matter how much I prayed or how often I read my Bible. It wasn’t working.
I will never forget that night. It changed me forever. As that night came to a close, a dear friend prayed over me that the Lord would show me how He sees me, that I would know who I really am, wholly His. That was the beginning for me. Week after week that fall I came back to that women’s study. I learned about the life of David, the work of the Holy Spirit, and gleaned wisdom from women of all walks of life, women who, just like me, are broken and reaching out to their Savior.
Our church is full of women passionately pursuing Jesus right where they are. Sometimes it’s messy and sometimes we fail, but God does not define us by our failure. This is the truth. I am not perfect. I was born into depravity, and I will feel the weight of that for the rest of my life. That truth doesn’t mean you give up, it means you set aside “the sin that so easily entangles” and “run with perseverance the race marked out for us, fixing our eyes on Jesus, the pioneer and perfecter of faith” (Hebrews 12:1-2, NIV).
Before trying that women’s study, I was often alone in my race toward Jesus and easily defeated, but that is not what Jesus wants for us. Choosing to enter in with a group of women was not an easy choice for me, but it was a good one. Being a part of that group has allowed me to be mentored, challenged, grow friendships and to love Jesus in a more intimate way.